


What's Your Greivance?

by TheCleverestWitch



Series: Buck Deserves Better [1]
Category: 9-1-1 (TV)
Genre: Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Emotional/Psychological Abuse, Evan "Buck" Buckley Had a Bad Childhood, Evan "Buck" Buckley Needs A Hug, F/M, Gen, Hurt Evan "Buck" Buckley, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, M/M, Multi, Physical Abuse, Protective Eddie Diaz (9-1-1 TV), Protective Maddie Buckley, Whump
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-16
Updated: 2021-02-17
Packaged: 2021-03-18 03:07:54
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 3
Words: 6,212
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29482704
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheCleverestWitch/pseuds/TheCleverestWitch
Summary: Dinner with Mr. and Mrs. Buckley take a turn for the worse when they learn about Eddie and Evan's relationship.Lots of hurt/comfort from the fire-fam.TW: Past/present abuse, past child abuse, past/present self-harm, homophobic slursPlease be careful.
Relationships: Evan "Buck" Buckley & Evan "Buck" Buckley's Parents, Evan "Buck" Buckley & Howie "Chimney" Han, Evan "Buck" Buckley & Maddie Buckley, Evan "Buck" Buckley's Parents & Maddie Buckley, Evan "Buck" Buckley/Eddie Diaz (9-1-1 TV)
Series: Buck Deserves Better [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2168847
Comments: 23
Kudos: 517





	1. Enter the Kraken

**Author's Note:**

> TW: Past/present abuse, child abuse, past/present self-harm, homophobic slurs  
> PLEASE TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF  
> BE CAREFUL
> 
> This is my take on what should have happened during 4x04, "What's Your Greivance" with established Eddie/Buck and caring Maddie/Chim. 
> 
> The first chapter is just about the dinner itself, the 2nd (and maybe 3rd?) chapter will explore Buck's childhood and his abusive father and history of self-harm, with lots of comfort from Eddie and Maddie. 
> 
> This has only been read/edited by me - please let me know if I have any mistakes. 
> 
> Hope you enjoy!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dinner with the Buckley parents doesn't end well when Buck and Eddie finally reveal their relationship.

“I got wine: red, white, sparkling, in case you wanna do any celebratory toasts, and tequila. Not sure why we needed two bottles.” Buck said, trying make himself sound calm.

Chimney reached over and plucked said bottles from Buck’s hands.

“Those are for me,” he said before pouring himself a shot.

Buck saw Eddie reach for a shot glass himself when a knock sounded on the door: the dreaded announcement of their guests.

Buck steadied himself. Eddie, ever-aware of how his boyfriend was feeling, came to stand by his side. The clasped hands briefly behind the counter: a silent show of support.

Chim leaned against the oven, seemed to realize his future in-laws probably didn’t approve of stress-drinking tequila and quickly hid his shot glass.

“And I think we’re ready,” he said with a resigned sigh and a clap of his hands.

Maddie gave Buck a look, pecked Chim on the cheek, and opened the door.

Buck let go of Eddie’s hand and stood, stiff as a board. Margaret and Phillip Buckley stood on the doorstep, each cradling a large armful of baby gifts.

“Dad! Mom! You guys did not have to bring presents,” Maddie said with glee, welcoming them.

“We’re grandparents now, spoiling comes with the job!” said Mr. Buckley.

 _Enter the kraken_ , thought Buck as they stepped over the threshold and entered the apartment.

After Chim and Eddie introduced themselves and took the baby gifts into the other room, Evan hunched his shoulders and moved forward to greet his parents.

The Buckley’s did not move. Margaret’s forced smile had faltered slightly. She had made no move to approach her youngest child and stood next to the door with her hands clasped politely in front of her. Buck ground his teeth.

After another uncomfortable beat Phillip leaned forward to pat his son on the shoulder. The tension in the room doubled. Buck tensed and managed to avoid flinching at the touch. The touch that seemed so innocent but he knew could quickly turn violent.

“Evan,” said Phillip Buckley by way of greeting. “You look good.”

“Ah, so do you,” Buck said through a forced smile that he was sure looked more like a grimace. He quickly shrugged off his father’s hand.

There was an awkward silence broken, thankfully, by the louder-than-usual “ding” of the oven timer.

Eddie turned to grab an oven mitt at the same time as Buck, but Eddie was closer.

“I’ve got it Buck,” he said kindly before taking the brie out of the oven.

Without even turning around he felt the room behind him bristle with tension. Buck knew he had forgotten to warn Eddie of something.

Margaret had an overly large smile on her face that did not meet her eyes.

“ _Buck_ ,” she said in false surprise. “You’re still letting people call you that.”

“It’s just a nickname Mom.”

Margaret let out a disgusted noise of disappointment.

Thankfully, Chim chimed in at that moment.

“Oh, you guys don’t like nicknames?”

Phillip raised his eyebrows by way of answer then seemed to realize something.

“Don’t people call you Howard?”

Buck saw Maddie give an almost imperceptible node behind her father’s back.

Chimney nodded fervently, “Oh absolutely. Just Howard, nothing else. Shall we go to the living room and relax a bit? Have a drink?”

Mr. Buckley turned his attention to Eddie and asked him, “Is Eddie your real name? Or is it a nickname – short for something else.”

“Just Eddie, not short for anything,” he said with a wide grin. God, Buck thought, that man is good.

Now was a time to pick their battles carefully: racism and homophobia, or just homophobia. Buck knew his parents wouldn’t approve of him being with someone as non-white as _Edmundo Diaz_.

Buck shot Eddie a wry smile as his parents turned towards the living room. Eddie winked back.

Opening gifts for the baby had gone well. No one had exploded, and Buck, Eddie, and Chim had all managed to sneak into the kitchen at multiple points to pound several shots of tequila. Buck could feel it starting to pleasantly cloud his head, and he even risked touching his boyfriend’s hand when his parents weren’t looking. Maddie had eyed them jealously, cradling her very pregnant belly, but had successfully distracted their parents so they were none the wiser to the increasingly less-sober state of the three men.

The gifts were open, and one bottle of wine and one secret bottle of tequila were empty when the conversation lulled. Everyone shifted slightly, uncomfortable.

Margaret politely turned the silence into a comment on the weather in California.

“The first few days there was nothing but rain. Then we got here: blue skies and sunshine.”

Buck chimed in.

“Yeah, we had a lot of rain earlier in the year, but, uh, lately it’s been dry.”

Margaret turned to face her son, her expression souring.

Buck’s face fell, he could feel Eddie stiffen.

Margaret turned her attention back to Maddie, ignoring him completely.

God, he needed another shot.

Phillip leaned forward to put his hand on Maddie’s knee.

“I’m so happy to see you happy.” The smile on his face was genuine but disappeared as he leaned back and focused on Evan.

Buck stiffened again.

“Now Evan, Maddie tells us that you’ve been seeing a therapist.”

He intentionally avoided his sister’s quick look.

“She did…”

Chimney stood up quickly. “I’m gonna get some water.”

Eddie shot up, “I’ll help!”

There was a silence as father and son considered each other, broken only by the faint _pop_ as the second tequila bottle was uncorked.

Buck regained some of his composure, leaning forward slightly to try and make the conversation seem normal.

“Yeah, I am seeing a therapist. It’s nothing big, just comes with the territory of the job. It can be stressful, so it’s important to stay ahead of any trauma and keep your head in the game.”

Chimney and Eddie returned to pass out water. Buck and Maddie accepted the distraction gratefully.

Until Eddie sat down again, next to his boyfriend.

Phillip’s eyed them shrewdly over his glass. His gaze was dangerous. Buck knew what was coming. So did Maddie it seemed, she shifted slightly and grabbed the hand Chim had rested on her shoulder just a moment before.

Phillip Buckley leaned back slightly and swirled his wine in the glass, considering the two younger couples.

“Eddie. May I ask you what exactly is the nature of your relationship with my son?”

Buck leaned back and took Eddie’s hand in a would-be casual way, but Eddie could feel him shaking. Evan had known this was coming – they had discussed it.

“Eddie is my boyfriend”

Margaret closed her eyes and shook her head disapprovingly. Phillip had stopped swirling his wine. The room was silent for several moments before he said under his breath,

“ _You are not my son.”_ He shot out of his seat; teeth bared. The wine glass shattered against the wall as he threw it with as much force as he could muster.

The silence that followed was deafening. But Phillip it seemed, wasn’t done. He bore down on his youngest child.

“My son was Daniel.”

“Phillip now is not the time,” Margaret said desperately.

“Dad, what are you doing?” Maddie made a move to stand but Chim put a protective hand on her shoulder. She was shaking and pale.

Phillip was just getting started. He was three glasses of wine in and his face showed it. He was rapidly turning purple.

“My son was going to be something great. My _son_ would’ve never disappointed me the way you have.” He gesticulated wildly.

Buck stood up abruptly, he had no idea what his father was talking about, but he knew he wanted to be on his feet for whatever was coming next. He wanted to direct the explosion away from Maddie and Chim and Eddie – all the people he loved.

“My SON was not some…. Some…” Mr. Buckley struggled to find the words.

“ _Faggot,”_ he finally spat out.

There it was – out in the open. Buck squared his shoulders, this was it. He held out his hands in a placating manner.

“Now Dad, listen, I just need to talk to you first…”

The fist came out of nowhere. It connected with Buck’s jaw, throwing him to the floor at the foot of the couch.

Maddie, Chim, and Eddie were on their feet in an instant, standing over him protectively – fury etched in every one of their faces.

_Strange_ , thought Buck. Their mouths were moving, but all he heard was a ringing in his ears.

He looked up to see his father sneer down at him before he felt a gob of spittle land on his right cheek – a parting gift.

Voices became clearer after that.

“You are not welcome in my home again until you apologize. How _fucking dare_ you speak to him that way,” Maddie had forced their coats into their hands. She was shaking with anger, white with fury.

She was pushing them towards the door that Chim held open with a look of vindication.

Chim slammed the door shut, visibly shaking from rage.

The silence echoed.

Three worried eyes turned the youngest in their midst. Buck was slumped in shock against the couch, but he saw Eddie carefully come kneel next to him.

Buck felt a hand on his chin and looked up into the kind brown eyes of Edmundo Diaz. There were lines of anger still around his mouth, but his eyes were always gentle when they turned to Buck.

“Cariño…” He wiped the spit from Buck’s cheek and seemed unsure of what to do next.

Buck’s eyes filled with tears – humiliation, anger, sorrow, fear, and most of all the self-hate that accompanied any interaction with his father. He looked pleadingly at the man he loved, silently begging for reassurance.

Eddie pulled him into his embrace, cradling him on the floor. Buck felt Maddie’s small still-shaking hands rubbing his back and the familiar weight of Chim leaning against his side.

They stayed like for several long moments, until the adrenaline had seeped out of him, until he could breath normally, until he felt all the emotion drain out of him leaving him watery and exhausted. He pulled back slightly to look into Eddie’s eyes.

Eddie gave him a hesitant smile and a kiss on his forehead.

“What do you need?” he asked softly into Buck’s hair. Buck leaned into him again.

He huffed out, half laughing, “A fucking drink.”


	2. A Fucking Drink

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Buck learns about his brother and reveals a secret of his own.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: Contains self harm and mention of past child-abuse.  
> Please be careful with yourself.

It was late – dinner had been forgotten. No one felt like eating after what they had just witnessed.

Buck was holding frozen dino-nuggets to the bruise forming on his jaw and cradling a large glass of tequila in his other hand. Eddie’s large warm arm had been a constant and appreciated presence wrapped around him. But Eddie wasn’t sure what to say – seemingly lost in his own cup of hard alcohol in front of him.

Buck looked up towards Maddie and bit his lip. His beautiful, clearly traumatized sister who had already been hurt so many times by the people she loved.

But while Chim looked like all the color and willpower had drained from his face, Maddie was sitting straight-backed in her chair – eyes focused clearly on her brother.

Buck’s head was swimming. He took a swig from his cup, then set it down on the table. Harder than he’d meant to.

Eddie and Chim jumped.

Buck placed the now-warm pack of chicken nuggets down. He put his face in his hands and sighed. When he looked back at Maddie he was crying again.

“Maddie…. Maddie I’m so sorry. Maddie, please forgive me.”

“Evan!” Whatever Maddie had been expecting, it wasn’t that. She reached across the table to take his hand.

“Evan Buckley. What on earth are you talking about. You have nothing to be sorry for. I’m the one who’s sorry that our parents are such _vile_ …” She didn’t seem to have the words to express her revulsion, but Evan stood up abruptly.

He turned from the table and hugged himself.

“I’m sorry I ruined your night. I’m sorry I ruined everything. I always ruin everything. You wanted to create a relationship with them for your child, and I just couldn’t contain myself. I had to tell them about me and Eddie.” The tears streamed down his face before he felt the familiar sense of overwhelming self-hatred boil inside of his core. He couldn’t control it any longer. His hands were balled into fists at his side and they were shaking badly.

“I don’t deserve you. Any of you.” He mumbled as an afterthought.

Maddie stood slowly, careful of the growing child inside of her.

“Evan Buckley. You did absolutely nothing wrong. You don’t ruin everything. I can’t believe…”

Buck lost control. He punched the counter as hard as he could and leaned into it – welcoming the pain.

“Buck!” Three chairs scraped as their owners pushed them away from the table to rush to his side.

Buck hadn’t stopped crying. He whirled around before they could reach him, knuckles already swelling and at least one split and leaking blood. He clenched his fist, relishing in the shock of his broken skin. 

“WHY IS NOTHING I DO EVER GOOD ENOUGH FOR THEM. NOTHING I DID WAS EVER GOOD ENOUGH.”

He pulled back his first to strike again.

Eddie reached him first and gently tugged his hand away from any further harm.

“Buck. Please.”

He pulled Evan into a hug and held him, but something else pressed on Buck’s mind; something besides the guilt for making his boyfriend worry.

“Maddie – who the fuck is Daniel?”

Chim looked nervously at him, “Maybe now isn’t the time Buck. We’re not exactly sober.”

“Maybe that means now is exactly the time. And how do you know this secret? How do you know and I don’t?” Buck tried to break free from Eddie’s arms but his boyfriend was too strong.

“Buck, please calm down and then we can talk about this,” Maddie pleaded. “Let me take a look at your hand at least first.”

Buck considered this – the throbbing had intensified.

“The only person I will let take care of me is Eddie until I know exactly what is going on here.”

Eddie pulled back slightly, “Of course mi Corazon.” Before his eyes Eddie turned into Firefighter Diaz – his movements all business but his touch was soft as he picked up Buck’s left hand to inspect it. He turned to look at Chim, “I’m assuming you have a first aid kit here somewhere?”

Chim nodded and hurried to the bathroom.

Eddie led Buck back to the dining room table. Maddie grabbed some frozen peas from the freezer this time, as the nuggets had defrosted, and placed them gingerly on the table next to Buck.

“Let me take a look.” Eddie murmured gently. He kept talking to himself as he placed the ice on Buck’s hand. Buck hissed and Eddie gently grabbed his arm to keep him from moving away.

“I just need to see if anything is broken and bandage whatever is bleeding. Then we can have this conversation, because I too would like to know what the hell is going on.”

Once Eddie was satisfied nothing was fractured and Buck didn’t need stitches, he wrapped some gauze around his hand, placed the frozen peas back on top, and downed the rest of his tequila without even a grimace. He was latino after all.

Buck loved Eddie more than anything as he fixed Maddie and Chim with a piercing stare and said evenly,

“Now who the fuck is Daniel?”

There was a beat.

Maddie looked down at her hands.

“I think you mean, who was Daniel. He was our brother. My younger brother, but he died of leukemia when Buck was just two years old.”

She rubbed her temples.

“This is not how I wanted you to find out. Mom and Dad should’ve told you a long time ago but, I guess they were grieving in their own way. That’s why we moved – they didn’t talk about it to anyone, even me.”

Buck leaned into Eddie’ comforting arms.

“Wait, so I was born after he was diagnosed. Why did Mom and Dad choose to have another kid when their other one was already dying.”

Buck’s brows knitted together before realization struck. The little color remaining drained from his face, making the ugly bruise marring his jaw even more prominent.

“They made me to save him. I was a goddamn test tube baby.”

“No – they wanted you. I’m sure they wanted you,” Maddie tried to interject.

But everything finally made sense to Buck.

“The only reason they had me is to save him. But he still died – I was a failure from the beginning. They never wanted another son – I was just…”, he searched desperately for the word, “Spare parts.”

Maddie was in tears again.

“No Buck, they love you. We all love you. Despite what they just said – they love you. Somewhere deep down I’m sure of it.”

Eddie chimed in, “How could you never tell him? None of you told him! He deserved to know!”

Chimney stepped in this time, “Their parents made Maddie promise when Daniel died to never talk about him again. It wasn’t her fault.”

But Buck was vibrating with fury now. He jumped to his feet, the ice pack slipping off his hand.

“You should’ve told me. I was a bag of extra broken pieces that no one ever wanted around. Even you left me Maddie – you left me with them. They never loved me, and they never will.”

He paced out from the table, Eddie hovering close behind him in case he tried to punch something again.

“I spent my entire life trying to make them love me – trying to make them SEE me but all they could ever see was the fact I failed at my very purpose in life – to save the son they truly wanted.”

He hugged himself once more, swaying slightly.

“This is the first time we’ve been in a room together in YEARS. I was proud of myself for once in my life – I have a purpose and I have a partner I love more than anything. I wanted to show them that they didn’t break me, but the truth is I have been broken this whole time. I’ve been piecing myself together with gum and spit and one word from that bastard and it all falls apart.”

Eddie walked towards him and put a hand on his shoulder.

“Buck, hun, it was more than just a word. He _hit_ you,” he practically spat out the last part.

Buck shook his head quickly, “The punches stopped bothering me a long time ago. I’m just sorry you all had to see it and Eddie I’m sorry for the word he said.”

Buck turned to look at Eddie with love but immediately realized something was wrong. Something had changed. Everyone was staring at him wide-eyed in shock. Buck knew he had fucked up.

A beat, then – Maddie, in a horrified voice whispered, “What do you mean… the punches stopped bothering you a long time ago.”

Buck rapped his bruised knuckles on his forehead in frustration until Eddie’s hand caught his wrist gently. He guided Buck back to the dining room table.

Holding Buck’s hands and looking pleadingly into his eyes Eddie just said one single word, and it was enough.

“Please.”

Buck heaved a sigh and pushed back in his chair, tugging at a stray curl on his forehead. Everyone else waited with bated breath until Buck finally started a story he hoped he would never have to tell.


	3. A Story He Hoped to Never Tell

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Buck tells the story of his past to Maddie, Chim, and Eddie in the aftermath of the dinner party.   
> Secrets are revealed, feelings are felt. 
> 
> Setting up the story to be part of a series for Buck, next fic will be hurt/comfort in the fire with 4x05

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: SELF HARM and CHILD ABUSE.   
> PLEASE - take care of yourselves. If you're not in a place to read this - then don't. There's nothing wrong with that. <3   
> Also a non-explicit sex scene with teenage Buck and a neighbor.

“Maddie. First, I want you to know that none of this was your fault. You didn’t do anything wrong and I don’t blame you. I didn’t want to tell you because you were already experiencing abuse and trauma and I didn’t want to add more.” Buck sighed and slumped his shoulders.

Maddie started in interrupt, “Buck you know you could tell me anything…”

But Buck cut her off. “I could, but I didn’t want to. I didn’t want to hurt you any more than that bastard was already hurting you. And I feel like now that you are finally free of him, maybe that meant I could be free of my own past.” He shrugged slightly, then looked directly into his sister’s eyes.

“Please forgive me.”

Chim had wrapped his arm about Maddie’s shoulder’s protectively, mirroring Eddie’s posture with Buck. Maddie leaned forward to take Buck’s hand as she met his gaze.

“There is nothing to forgive. You did nothing wrong. It wasn’t your fault and you didn’t deserve anything they did to you. This is your story – if you’re not ready to tell it then don’t. Just know we all love you and we all support you.”

Buck sighed and, to everyone’s surprise, the corners of his mouth turned up just a hair. He withdrew his hand from Maddie’s and stuck out his pinky – a request for their sacred promise.

Maddie’s eyes crinkled as she twisted her finger around his and they shook on it.

“I think I need one more swig of…” Eddie was already next to him with the nearly empty second bottle of tequila.

Buck took a sip and grimaced. Eddie chuckled low in his throat.

Buck flicked his boyfriend’s shoulder playfully. “Sorry we can’t all be sexy Mexicans who take tequila like water.”

But then he fell silent. That was the end of the joking and the stalling. He grabbed onto Eddie’s hand – his lifeline.

“It started when you and Doug left for Boston. Dad seemed to think it gave him, I don’t know, permission I guess to let out his anger on me. Remember how I used to get hurt all the time – biking, skate boarding, that brief period I thought parkour was cool? I was using it to get attention from Mom and Dad – that was the only way they would look at me. They looked at me with worry and frustration, but at least they looked at me.” Buck paused, and Eddie squeezed his hand reassuringly.

“Well, the next time I got hurt after you left Dad didn’t get worried or annoyed – he got angry. And that’s when he started to get mean. I had busted my lip again on that one jump I could never get in the skate park and cut open my knee pretty good. I was looking for the first aid kit – I could never remember where you kept it. Dad saw me and just started laying into me – how I was ungrateful. I wasn’t careful and I was intentionally upsetting Mom and that I was a _selfish juvenile_.” Buck bit his lip.

“Mom was out. I tried to tell Dad I was sorry, but he cornered me on the stairwell and he just started… hitting me. It was all open hand at first – nothing serious. But as the years went on and I flunked out of college and I continued to fall below their expectations it got worse and worse. He took out his anger on life on me – his anger with you and Doug for leaving, his anger with Mom for small things, and his anger with himself and the world I guess. He changed Maddie.”

Buck looked down at his hands, tracing Eddie’s knuckles. He could see Chim was white as a sheet and Maddie had tears rolling down her cheeks. The alcohol gave him enough courage to continue.

“I started, uh, hurting myself right after he hit me that first time. I guess in my adolescent mind if I could be hurt _enough_ then he would feel pity and care about me again. But it never worked. If he saw the cuts he didn’t say anything. He didn’t care.” Buck closed his eyes. That had hurt worse than any blow – that his own family knew he was in pain, and they had done nothing.

His voice shook, but he continued.

“And the self-harm didn’t stop until I made it to LA. Until I found my purpose,” He looked up into Eddie’s eyes that were full of understanding and sadness and brimming with unshed tears. “Until I found the 118 and I found you. I found my family finally.”

There was silence.

“Did Mom ever try to stop him?” Maddie asked quietly.

Buck sighed. “To be honest, I’m not sure if she ever knew. She never mentioned it and all the injuries looked like bike or skate or car accidents, so it was easy to blame them on my general dumbass tendencies I guess. He never hit me when she was around, didn’t want to upset her I think.”

Buck paused. If he was going to tell the story, it might as well be the whole story. He folded in on himself, ashamed of the memory.

“Well that’s not entirely true. She knew at least once. Let’s just say this isn’t the first time Dad called me a…..” He trailed off, uncomfortable.

“You don’t have to say it. And anyways, it’s a disgusting word that is not in anyway what you are.” Maddie helped.

Buck shrugged. “I mean, I am bi. So I am a little bit of a…”

This time Eddie cut him off sharply, “I swear to god Evan Buckley if you call yourself what that man called you, I will let Chris beat you in Mario until the day you die.”

Buck smiled at that, but it fell at the memory.

“Remember our neighbor, Steven down the street Maddie?”

“Yeah – had buck teeth and the cutest smile.”

“Dad caught us making out in high school.”

“You! And Buck-Tooth Steve!”

Buck chuckled, “Yeah. Well, Dad walked in on us.”

* * *

Evan was locked at the lips to Steve, they were chest to chest, hearts racing with the thrill of two teenagers sharing a secret passion for each other. Evan was exploring Steve’s curvaceous ass, while Steve’s hands were on the opposite sides of Evan’s pelvis. To put it mildly – both boys were _excited_. Evan moaned into Steve’s mouth.

“Stevie,” Evan muttered between wet kisses. “Can I take off your jeans?”

“Uh-uh,” Steve gasped.

Without unlocking their lips, Evan slipped his hands towards the front of Steve’s jeans. The metallic _zip_ of the pants being unzipped perfectly blocked out the soft knock on the door. But both boys heard the _click_ as the knob turned and Mrs. Buckley entered the room carrying apples and cheese.

The boys sprang apart, but the damage had been done. The plate fragmented and its contents dropped unceremoniously next to the china shards.

Mrs. Buckley stood quietly for a moment, taking in the scene – hair mussed, chests rising and falling quickly with excitement, other excited body parts straining for release, and Steve’s open zipper.

“Mom,” Evan tried to start.

She didn’t even look at him.

“Steve, could you please go home. Your parents will be asking for you for supper soon.” Her voice was quiet.

Steve hurriedly closed his jeans, grabbed his homework and backpack, and practically fled the room.

Margaret finally looked at Buck with that little false smile she had that never met her eyes and showed far too much of her teeth. Her voice was calm as she said, “Evan please sit on your bed quietly until your father and I can discuss your punishment.”

Then the door clicked closed behind her and Evan was left alone with his fear, some dirty apples and cheese, and a broken plate.

He didn’t have to wait long. Evan heard the front door open and the mumble of voices downstairs. If only he and Steve had been more careful today would have been just like every other day.

Phillip Buckley came home at work at 5:15 every day of his life. He would set down his briefcase, kiss his wife, and then sit and read the newspaper as he waited for supper to be ready by 6:00.

There was a sharp rap on the door. Phillip Buckley entered the room without a word from Evan and stood in the doorway: his eyes were ablaze, his tie was loosened, and his fists were clenched.

Evan didn’t know what he was going to say, but he opened his mouth to speak.

Before he could utter a sound, Phillip had stepped over the broken glass and landed a punch to the side of Evan’s head. He fell back onto his bed – stunned.

“How _dare_ you try to bring disgrace to this family.” Phillip Buckley towered over him.

“Dad, it wasn’t what you think.”

 _Oof._ The air left Evan’s lungs as Phillip slammed a fist into his ribs.

“Do not speak to me. I will not have some _faggot_ under my roof. I am going to teach you a lesson you will never forget.” And with that Phillip began landing blows in earnest. 

Phillip left Evan’s room at 5:27.

Evan was on his side next to his bed, curled in a ball and weeping silently. One eye was blackened and swelling shut rapidly. The other eyebrow had a gash that was steadily leaking blood down his face. His lip was split and his nose throbbed. Evan’s ribs and back ached in protest as he pushed himself in a seated position.

He grabbed his hair in frustration.

 _Why. Why am I like this. Why can’t I just be normal. What the fuck did I do to be so alone in life._ Evan beat his fists against his head and felt tears mix with blood.

He looked over across the floor and saw the broken plate. His body knew what to do without any instruction and he picked up a shard of glass with relish and drew it across his left arm.

Thirty-three minutes after Phillip Buckley left his son’s room, the family of three was seated at the dining room table. Evan had scrubbed the blood off his face, but the injuries were there clear as day. He was silent as he passed his mother the potatoes, but he knew that she saw the methodical cuts on his forearm. She just pursed her lips in disapproval and sipped her water silently. 

Mr. and Mrs. Buckley never mentioned that night. Evan never saw Steve again.

* * *

The room was horrified as Buck finished his story. He was crying openly now.

Another pause. Maddie sniffed then asked, “Can I see your scars?”

Buck shifted at this, he didn’t like to show anyone. That's why he never wore tank tops. In his mind his scars were weaknesses, but after talking with his therapist he knew this would be a big step for him. He swallowed, then lifted the sleeve on his left shoulder to reveal the raised mass of previously torn flesh underneath a dark black tribal tattoo.

Eddie has seen it before of course. He had traced the scars in bed, had known what they were, had known Buck had struggled before, but he had never known why or when or how. He hadn’t wanted to admit he was too scared to ask. But now all eyes were focused on Buck’s greatest shame. After a beat Buck lowered the shirt sleeve again.

“The two lines of tattoos on my forearm cover some of the deeper wounds from that day. The shoulder scars came later – they just sort of slowly accumulated over the years. I got the tattoo from an old woman in a village in Peru when I was working there. She said that ancient Peruvians called the Chimu used this style. They project personal power and identity, so she thought it was fitting.” Everyone still seemed too shocked to say anything. “I’m forever grateful to her,” Buck added nervously.

He looked around.

Eddie’s knuckles were white on the table, but the hand holding Buck’s injured hand was carefully relaxed and gentle. Eddie had gone through his own period of grief – when he felt rage and anger and disappointment at himself rise inside of him like a snake until he had to lash out. Fighting had been his own form of self-harm, but at the time he had pretended it was just for the extra cash. He could hide his shame behind the pretense of sport.

Maddie was crying silently, leaning into Chim. She had scars from both herself and Doug. She was open about these wounds. Maddie touched her upper right thigh where she knew small white lines were delicately and carefully placed. She knew she would have scars littered across her body forever from her ex-husband. But the mass of crisscrossing lines showed a level of desperation she had never reached, even in her darkest moments. Maybe it’s because people knew about her suffering – her pain had been acknowledged.

Chim was beside himself, crying harder than Maddie. He didn’t know how to react, so he just hugged Maddie tighter than he ever had and traced circles with his thumb on her leg.

As always, Maddie was the only one brave enough to break the silence.

Maddie didn’t bother to wipe her eyes, but she reached across the table and lifted Buck’s chin to look at her.

“None of it was your fault. None of it. It wasn’t your fault. You did nothing wrong.” She said forcefully, willing him to believe her. Willing for her dopey golden-retriever of a brother to reappear. Buck gazed into her eyes and his shoulders seemed to droop.

“Promise me, Evan Buckley, promise me you will never do anything like this again. Promise me please.”

Maddie held out her pinky finger to him. To his surprise, so did Eddie. Buck gulped and looked at them both.

“You’re not angry with me? You’re not disappointed?” He asked carefully.

Eddie shook his head fervently, “Carino, I’m proud of you for telling us. That bastard will never touch you again and I’ll always be there for you. You will never be alone again, I promise. Please promise me that you’ll come to me when you feel alone. You are not broken, and you are not tainted.”

Buck looked into his lover’s eyes and promised.

That just left Maddie, her hand still outstretched.

“Evan. I promise you that I will never be upset with you and that you can trust me with anything, even if you think it will hurt me. I promise you I will be there whenever you need me, no matter the situation. I promise you also that you never have to see Dad again, I don’t want him in my life after what you told us. He will never touch you. And you need to promise me that you will never reach a moment of desperation where the only solution is to cause yourself pain. Promise me you’ll come to me before you get to that point. Promise me you know you’re not alone”

Buck gladly intertwined his finger with hers. It was a familiar feeling that he relished.

With that finished, the tension drained out of them all, seeming to sap their strength as it left. Buck leaned back into Eddie’s arms and the pair shared a kiss.

* * *

Buck and Eddie slept in Maddie’s guest room that night. Maddie had made them hot chocolate and Eddie had immediately fallen asleep with his arms wrapped around Buck, head nestled into Buck’s neck.

Buck stayed awake though. He played with Eddie’s hair and listened to his soft snores, feeling Eddie’s breath flow across his neck. He knew he was lucky. He should be grateful – he had found a family better than he could have ever dreamed in the 118. But there was something nagging at him.

They hadn’t talked about it as much as they should have – but he had had a brother. It had been put on the back-burner after they found out at the abuse. Buck cringed at the word. He’d never admitted that’s what it was even to himself. He felt, weaker for it somehow. But he knew that was illogical. Maddie was strong and she had survived years of physical and mental abuse with Doug.

But the only reason Evan Buckley was born, no, _created_ , he corrected himself, was to give a brother he had never known bone marrow. Bone marrow that had been rejected – hadn’t been good enough, just like him. His parents didn’t care about him during his childhood and they had loathed him in his adolescence.

Buck clenched his hands then forcibly relaxed them. No – that wasn’t his fault. He had not made the decision to be born, and he was doing the best with the life he had now. He had a purpose – helping people. He (essentially) had a son – Christopher. When he thought about Chris he really did relax. The little Diaz was at a sleepover tonight. Buck missed that goofy grin whenever he wasn’t around. Looking down at Eddie he remembered how much he loved both Diaz’s. Evan planted a kiss on Eddie’s head. Eddie mumbled and nuzzled into Buck’s neck. Buck smiled to himself.

Some of his wounds were healed, but new ones were created. For now though, Buck was content to sleep in the arms of his love and forget the rest of the world.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I did some research on the tattoos in Peru, which turned out to be really cool. Use this website as a reference:  
> https://www.larskrutak.com/pre-columbian-tattoos-of-western-south-america/
> 
> Really hope you enjoyed!  
> Thanks for reading. 
> 
> New Buck Whump story to come in a bit.


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